Tuesday, February 27, 2007

PorOgle Weekly

Higamus-Hogamus Category

The famed Japanese astronaut Giganto Wunzo picked his way laterally across the sheer sandstone cliff. One dilatory motion, and it was almost certain doom with a fall on the jagged basalt outcrop 200 feet below. While two hungry ravens eyed this prospective mid-day meal from their vantage point on the cliff edge above, the sallow countenance of the wily flyer grimaced. He was thinking of the sordid details of his entire existence, as his whole life flitted before his eyes in the shape of rectangular cartoons: how he had corrupted the morals of the half-caste Ofelia, by not realizing that her private parts sloped on the diagonal; how he had shabbily treated his hulking bronzed assistant Fujigmo, by tossing him scraps of one sort or another throughout their tenuous encounters; how he had emasculated his partner Dorkus Maximus, by entrapping him in a bizarre relationship with the eunuch Mariko.

Giganto tensed as he psychologically prepared himself for his next furtive step. One unthinking detail and it was curtains for him. As he inched his way across the vertical cliff, fragments of sandstone crumbled and fell among the basalt boulders, leaving a trail of skittering pebbles. He thought of himself being similarly pulverized, since there seemed to be no further avenue for either descent or ascent back up the deteriorating cliff face. But suddenly his cellphone rang out the rare Beethoven melody, which signaled that something ominous was being messaged onto his voicemail- something vital! With the one free finger left to him, in his precarious stance, he furtively punched the single button which would vocalize the information- possibly yielding the only instruction which would indicate the way out of his life-threatening position.

Immediately it BELLOWED: “DISREGARD PREVIOUS MESSAGE”.